Communicate & delegate
My husband & I have completely different communication styles. He just blurts things out where I, on the other hand, will process my thoughts for a while & eventually share. It's the eventually part of the sharing that normally gets me into trouble because the hubs can see that something is brewing in this head of mind but I just keep processing & processing...certain that I'll come up with a solution to remedy the situation on my own or that I'll come up with the perfect way to word whatever question, request, or complaint I need to make. The problem with this approach is that my husband is not a mind reader. The more I stew, the more agitated & frustrated I become. He can sense that I'm bothered, but because I haven't gotten around to sharing & he's not a clairvoyant he couldn't possibly know that I'm breaking out in anxiety hives because there are dog hair tumbleweeds gathering in every corner of our dining room. Unless I tell him that I'd really appreciated him running the vacuum while I'm nursing the baby, he will rightfully make the most of the downtime with his feet propped up & an episode of The League streaming through Netflix because the dog fur balls just don't bother him like they bother me. Being a mom is a lot of work & what I've had to learn is that asking for help doesn't make me a failure like my pitta perfectionist ego mind would have me believe; it just makes everyone a whole lot happier.
Take the good with the bad & the bad with the good
The comment I hear parents make most frequently in regard to raising children is, "It goes by so fast." If this isn't true then, I don't know what is. I look at EGP & I can't believe he's been here for two whole months already. It's been weeks already since he first smiled. Several days since he started coo-ing. On the other hand, it feels like he's been here forever. I can fondly remember the days when I only did laundry once every two weeks. Oh wait, that was only 2 months ago, not another lifetime. Time is such a trippy concept but the lesson to be learned from it is that those sweet, heart-melting moments with your baby don't last & neither do the frustrating, melt-down moments. So put down the 5 other things you're trying to do & sing silly songs to your baby, make crazy faces & sounds. Be ridiculously in love with your baby & give your full attention to whatever adorable thing he/she is doing in this very special moment that you will never get back. And when you're changing your 5th diaper blow out of the day, wiping throw up off your favorite dress, staring at a sink full of unwashed dishes, or getting dirty looks from fellow diners because your baby decided the restaurant you're in has the perfect acoustics for testing his/her lung capacity -- just breathe. Don't freak out or let the situation overwhelm you. Take a second to remind yourself, this too will pass.
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| The many faces of 2-month old Ewan. |
Don't beat yourself up. Just do your best.
Start dating.
Take a look at the beautiful, coo-ing, slobbering, squirmy, little creature that's surely not too far away from where you are reading this blog. That small, amazing being would not exist if it weren't for a very special spark that was ignited when you & your main squeeze first started dating. You know exactly what I mean. That excitement, giddiness, & sense of urgency you had to be near them. You were suddenly like a moth, they became your flame, & no other light source would do. With a new baby in the house, it seems inevitable for that fiery love to dwindle a bit. But, it doesn't have to go out. Make a resolute effort to enjoy some alone time with your other half. Even if it is just to sit at the dining room table to eat cold leftovers together. Look at them. Listen to them. Touch them. Let the sparks fly.
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| Our first post-baby date. Wine tasting on the Cuyahoga Valley Scenic Railroad. |
W(h)ine with your girlfriends.
I've never been one of those girls who has a close-knit circle of besties to do everything with. I've always been more of the independent type with more male friends than female gal pals. Being pregnant, having a baby, & becoming a mom however, is a uniquely feminine experience & there is no one else in this world who can understand the (sometimes contradictory) feelings & emotions that come with this complex territory like another mom. It is nothing against your spouse, single friends, or those without children. Their love & support is priceless. It's just that motherhood often feels like an ocean that is hard to explain or comprehend until you've sailed across it. If we as women don't band together as a motley crew of mothers, offering support & compassion to one another, the prevalence of postpartum depression (PPD) will only continue to rise. The most recent study on PPD, conducted by the Center for Disease Control (CDC) between 2004-2005, only looked at self-reported cases in 17 of our 50 states & concluded that anywhere between 11-20% of new moms suffer from PPD. I imagine that if they were to include the remaining 33 states & cases that were not reported to an OB/GYN during post-natal care visits, they would find the PPD statistics to be much higher.
I consider myself very lucky to not have struggled with PPD in large part, I believe, because of Yoga. In larger part, I feel the healthy, happy handle I have on motherhood is a result of the friendships I've forged with new & accomplished moms. Their support, humor, & encouragement has been invaluable. I am especially thankful for my Sunday morning coffee talks with fellow new mom (& author of the fabulous It's A Hero blog!), Rachel. We've known each other for a few years just through Yoga, but have become much closer since becoming moms within 5 months of each other. Now, both moms of handsome little boys, we meet up every other Sunday morning to share the highs & lows of the past week. I've shuffled in on a couple of Sundays on the verge of tears & other Sundays, I've floated in on waves of joy. Regardless of the state I arrive in, I always leave feeling 110% better because our chats & simply Rachel's presence reminds that I'm not alone. It's exceptionally reassuring to know that someone else wants to smother her husband in kisses for all the wonderful things he does & then smother him with a pillow for breathing too loudly...a mere 10 seconds later. It's comforting to know that someone else fantasizes about the quiet, blissful solitude of a hotel room, fuzzy robe, trashy reality TV, & a bottle of wine...but would be calling home within an hour because she misses her guys.
We're not crazy. We're moms & we've got to be there for one another. Make it a point this week to schedule a date with another mom for a quick cup of joe or to languidly work your way through a bottle of wine together. Whether it's the conversation, the wine, or a caffeine buzz, you'll both feel you have the buoyancy to handle whatever the sea of motherhood tosses aboard.
Be grateful.
Coffee. Baby wipes. Grandmas. Concealer. The Moby Wrap. Pacifiers. Granola bars. If we stopped for a moment each day to consider the items we use on a daily basis that make our life simpler, to appreciate the people in our lives that provide endless amounts of love & support, or even to marvel at the major astrological event that occurs every morning before our eyes when a giant ball of fire rises into the sky, we'd find that we have an endless list of things to be thankful for. If on the other hand, you only look for things to bitch & complain about, you'll undoubtedly find those too. But, I guarantee your mood will lighten, your heart will feel fuller, & your day will be far less overwhelming if you take a mOMMMent to cultivate an attitude of gratitude.
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